Wife Had An Affair
Dear Gerda:
About a year ago my wife had sex with a guy
she met at work. She was gone a lot of
evenings and I knew something wasn’t right.
Then I caught her. She is remorseful about
it, and I have tried hard to move forward,
but instead of the situation getting better
it is getting worse. I just can’t trust her
even though she tells me where she’s going
all the time. I feel like she’s lying
because she lied before. Is there any way to
get past this, or is this relationship over?
Rebuilding trust in a relationship after
adultery is difficult, but can be attained
with time.
Your relationship is over when you say it is
over. If both of you are willing to put the
work necessary into rebuilding the
relationship and trusting again, then both
of you will survive this dark period. I hear
that you have hardened your heart against
forgiveness. To forgive is a decision that
you have to make from the same heart that is
broken, shattered and in pain. Only
forgiveness will ease that pain. Only by
mending the heart are we able to receive
love and trust again.
In the process of healing you will need to
determine how your relationship got to a
place that infidelity moved in. Did you fail
to communicate? Were you emotionally
unavailable? Was she alone in the
relationship? Were you intimately available?
Make a commitment to resolve those issues.
Tracking your wife’s whereabouts or trying
to catch her in a lie will only lead to more
mistrust. The only things that can change in
the relationship are the things that caused
the problem or have been missing.
Moving your relationship forward will
require daily effort from you and your wife.
Remember that you are rebuilding something
that has been destroyed. Communication is
the highway that you will have to travel on
daily. Make a commitment not to live in the
past by making plans for your present and
future relationship together. Make a
commitment to spend time together daily the
way you did when you first met.
Do nice, caring things for each other. Send
a love note just because. Make a conscious
effort to celebrate the good things in your
relationship. Socialize with other couples
who have solid relationships, and if
possible bring social activities to your
home to bring life in again. Spiritual
affiliation can help to provide support and
guidance.
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