Domestic Violence
Dear Gerda:
My partner is great except for one thing.
Sometimes he gets really angry and blows up
at me and the kids. At first it was only
happening every few months, but now it is
happening more frequently. Twice he has
gotten so angry that he slapped me. How do I
get him to stop?
Your partner is using his anger and physical
violence to control you and your children.
This constitutes domestic violence. The
violence usually occurs in the pattern you
have described. Initially the outbursts are
episodic; with time they become more
frequent and usually escalate from verbal to
physical. Physical and verbal abuse carries
serious effects. You should seriously
consider the protection of yourself and your
children. Studies have shown that children
who have witnessed or experienced domestic
violence may develop serious emotional,
behavioral, and academic problems. This
includes depression.
The experience of domestic violence carries
a lot of shame and may result in an attempt
to deny the abuse or withdraw from family
and friends. Most victims fail to seek help
because of fear of retaliation from the
abuser. Domestic violence by an intimate
partner knows no age, ethnic, social,
financial, or religious boundaries. You did
not mention any attempts you have made to
let him know your feelings about his abusive
behavior or his attitude after each episode.
You mentioned that your partner is great. It
may surprise you to find out that most
abusers appear to be great people. Abusers
control their anger well toward other people
or in dealing with the public. They aim
their anger towards intimate partners and
family members at home. Most abusers have
been abused themselves and have difficulty
coping with their own fear and anger. They
have difficulty admitting to themselves that
they are in pain and are hurting. This could
show the world that they are weak.
You cannot solve a problem until its
existence is acknowledged. If you are not
afraid of your partner and have determined
that you are safe in your home, then it is
time to educate yourself and your partner
about abuse. Seek to involve a person that
your partner respects. Help him to recognize
the cycle of each angry and abusive
outburst. He may need professional help to
help him resolve his abusive past and to
learn better ways to cope with anger and
stress.
You also need to recognize the cycle of his
angry and physical outburst. Find a place
and ways to distance yourself. Build
yourself a social network of friends,
family, and other supporters. Work on
improving your financial situation. This
will give you more life choices.
Professional counseling could help to set
boundaries and rebuild trust in the
relationship. Should the abuse continue,
make a plan to provide a safe place for your
children and leave.
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